Nothing feels better than to be there.
In the smothering silence of pain, a whispered 'thank you' can bring tears to your eyes.
Showing affection is hard; trusting someone with your heart is even harder.
Understanding this is the key to helping someone.
Remember: Even if you are the caretaker, you have to let yourself be taken care of. If you don't, things go unnoticed and unattended until it's too late.

Thank you.


"You know in all of the times that we've shared, I've never been so scared..."
I worry a lot about my friends, and my friendships.
Please don't become alone. It simply isn't good.
And we will miss you, whoever you are.


I stared out at the ocean, backed by a deep blue sky, that edged on a murderous purple near the horizon. Standing there, I saw the power of God, in that storm, and in that water. Venturing out, I took on the smaller waves.
One by one they crashed into me. First at my ankle, then my knees and waist. Soon, they were pounding into my chest. Each wave would shove me backwards, towards the shore. Defiant, I pressed onwards. Further and further I moved. Two steps forward, one step back. Two steps forward, one step back. The waves were well over my head by now. The storm had moved closer. Now I was no match for them, on my feet. Diving into the next wave, I surfaced in the turbulent undertow of an oncoming monster. Paddling for all I was worth, I pushed through. Stroke after stroke, I pulled myself away from land. Hand over hand, I forded the advancing army of water.
Finally I was in the calm. I stood, and surveyed my position. The people on the beach were small, far away. The water was gently nudging me; left, right, forward, backward. The ominous sky was still advancing, but rumbled gently, as if to applaud my efforts.
Proud of my work, I turned, and caught the next wave home.

Later that day, I stood on the beach, the water barely rushing over my feet, and watched the storm advance. I was now surrounded by clouds on three sides, and thunder rolled freely. As I watched the waves wash over my toes, I had a feeling that is difficult to describe. The water was flowing past, and I stared into it. Mesmerized, I felt as though the world was flying past me. I braced myself, but I didn't know why. Many times, I caught myself leaning backwards, perhaps waiting for impact.
My feet were disappearing now, buried under the muddied water of the waves. The storm was pushing the water in farther, and now it reached my knees. The serenity of that moment, caught between an advancing storm and an advancing landmass, surprised me. I looked around at the rest of my crew. They had no idea what they were missing, and I was sad for them.
Finally, I pulled my feet out of the sand, saluted the thunder, and walked back to my friends.

It was a good day.


Isn't it funny how life throws all sorts of stuff at you?
I had an awesome friendship that I nearly lost, b/c I acted on hormones, not intelligence.
Then I gain that back, but the same threat is there.
No, we don't hide it.
No, we don't care if you know.

We just want to be there for each other.

So don't ask.


Woke up one morning, forgot who I was.
Forgot who I was going to be.
Forgot who I loved.
Forgot who loved me.

Woke up the next morning, made a new person.
Made a new road.
Made a new life.
Loved a new person.

That person was me.
And I loved me back.
And that was all that mattered.


Trapped Under Ice

I don't know how to live through this hell
Woken up, I'm still locked in this shell
Frozen soul, frozen down to the core
Break the ice, I can't take anymore

Freezing, can't move at all
Screaming, can't hear my call
I am dying to live
Cry out
I'm trapped under ice

Crystallized as I lay here and rest
Eyes of glass stare directly at death
From deep sleep I have broken away
No one knows, no one hears what I say


Scream from my soul
Fate mystified
Hell forevermore

No release from my cryonic state
What is this? I've been stricken by fate
Wrapped up tight, cannot move, can't break free
Hand of doom has a tight grip on me


- Metallica
Something meaningful...


The sky fades over another week, but tonight the stars shine.
They shine with the brightness that he has dreamt of for so long.
Stopping for the night, he decides against the tent, and lays out under that brilliant blanket that covers the world.

He starts to count, but gets lost amongst the river of thought that flows through his head.
It comes back to him, the whirlwind of action that is his new life.
He definately needs this escape.

As the blackness closes in around his eyes, he slowly relaxes his muscles.
Sure, he needed them. The new, the old.
But he still needed himself.

He had caught himself going back down an old road.
He forced himself backwards, and realized what he was doing.
She couldn't get burnt again.

That isn't what either of them needed.
All they needed was a friendship; close, but distanced.
He prayed that he would be there when she needed him most.

Slipping under his blanket, he smiled to himself.
Worn out from the days trek, he closed his eyes,
And drifted into the oblivion of sleep, content with his life.

Bleeding, for you.


Lighted Sepulchre, Darkened lies
One burns the heart; the other, eyes.

Bleeding, for you.
Humanity is a curse that I wouldn't wish on any un-human soul.
It really is useless. I mean, who wants pain?
I don't. I wish I could go without feeling. That would make things better.
Or at least block some feelings.
I think I am going to start taking Conrad's Heart of Darkness and writing about it fitting my life.
Good book.
Shitty life.

Bleeding, for you.


So cold, so icy that one burns one's fingers on him!
Every hand is startled when touching him.
- And for that very reason some think he glows.

I found this whist I was reading through Beyond Good and Evil (which prettymuch stops at the definitions of good and evil, so don't expect too much)
I don't know why, but it struck me.
I don't think it describes me, but it easily could. I have the chills now.

Bleeding, for you.
Silence, before. It deafens you as you see the clouds approaching.
The wind whips your hair. You feel the strands beating your face.
Tears form as you try to look at it.
Sheets of rain, coming in sideways.

Power. Sheer power. Even the mighty trees bow to the wind.
The lightning flashes, illuminating the world in its ghostly white light.
Nothing is hidden in that moment, even your soul feels exposed.
Then the thunder rolls over you.
Pushes you back, shakes your foundation.

I got another storm today.

Bleeding, for you.


Life and friends.
They are tied together, you know.
You cannot survive without a friend.
It can be male, or female.
It can be a car, or a cat.
It doesn't even have to be real.

Just be sure that you have your friends.
The ones that care. I had a friend look out for me tonight. Not because she owed it to me, but because she cared enough about me to have others stop prodding me, pushin for the next stunt.
I love Ashli. Even though I hurt her feelings, (Killed her inner princess, pick one), she is still there for me. I love that.
I was so loopy.
I almost screwed things up a bit.

By the way, I am writing this on Ambien. HAH!

Edit: Yes. No more blogging while on sleeping pills for Chris. I'll leave this up purely for entertainment.

Bleeding, for you.


Blood oozing, dripping, streaming.
The lines form in the sand.
Bodies rotting, steaming, stinking.
As they lay across the land.

War has captured, maimed and killed.
It scars the heart of men.
It makes heroes out of nobodies,
Then takes their lives from them.

Burning bodies, souls and dreams,
It kills everything but time.
Reminiscing soldiers,
Dreams flooded with the crime.

Bleeding, for you.


I got my storm today.
I was all that I had hoped for.

The pure power of those menacing black clouds,
It just seemed appropriate to salute out my driver's side window.

The wind, pushing you back.
It wont let you stare it down.

Thunder, shaking your soul.
You feel the pure energy.

Bleeding, for you.


I want thunder, lightning.
I want the fear that comes with it, too.
I need it.

It's been so long since I've seen a decent storm.
Talking to Jessica tonight, she mentioned that in Corpus, they were having a nasty storm.
I ached to be there, laying on the beach, staring at the sky as it exploded over and over.

And some people doubt that there is a God.

Bleeding, for you.


Travels the hills, he does.
Searching for himself, lusting for another.
Any other.
But they won't do.
He hasn't found the one.
He can't even find himself.

He see's pieces, glinting from behind the rocks, the brush.
Bit by bit he discovers what he is, who he will be.
He sees all of his falls coming.

Not one to tempt fate, he rides them out.
Tumbling, he hits the ground hard.
But he was prepared, and quickly recovers, and moves on.

Day fades to dusk, light sliding out the back door.
Night checks in, watching over him as he struggles across the rugged terrain.
Moonlight fails, and the stars peep out.
The heavenly streetlamp gone, a soft glow illuminates the beauty around him.

He pauses, taking in the scenery.
He isn't fooled by the awe inspiring sights, he knows.
He feels it, the danger lurking.
More falls, more pain.

Hiking up his pack, his life on his back, he marches on.
Picking up the pieces left for him, they are his only trail, his only map.
Marching towards the sunset of his life, he never looks back.

Bleeding, for you.


Cliche'd but nice:

Travels at the speed of life.
I like it.
Things happen. Things you wanted to happen, but knew they shouldn't.
Or things that you knew would happen, but didn't want them to.

My life is one off.

Bleeding, for you.