Daily post:
I feel the urge to say something.
My babygirl has dreams.
I don't care, that's what she is.
She told me her goals tonight.
She is so excited about these goals, I couldn't help but be excited for her.
But I was sad too.
I saw that as she planned her life, she didn't have me in there.
I knew it would come, but it still hurts.

Heh. I know a lot of stuff is gonna hurt, but I still do it.
Masochism at its best.

Bleeding, for you.

Feelings, soul, heart.
Pain, death, blood.
Each brings its own consequences.
Feelings: Instict, natural. Defined by who you are.
Soul: Built by your feelings, torn down by others'. This defines who you are.
Heart: Constant, never changing. This defines who you will be.

Bleeding, for you.

I want so badly to say something now.
But nothing comes to mind.
That only means one thing: I am suffering no emotions at all.

Bleeding, for you.

I wish I could sing.
I can't carry a tune worth a rotten banana.
I 'practice' in my car. In my room. Alone.
I want so badly to hit that note.
Let the rhythm flow from me, not the radio.
If I can't play the guitar, then I need to learn to sing.
Or something.
Music, music, music.
And not punk. Punk music is annoying.

Bleeding, for you.

I think I'm ok. I'm not 100% sure, but I want to be.
I know that I may look back on this, and wonder why in the heck I let myself get in that deep. I think that a little, even now, this soon. But I won't take it back. Never will I regret it.
I just wish for one more night.

Bleeding, for you.

Looking down at the March 23 entry I see irony.
As I lay there, tears streaming from my eyes.
I wanted one thing.
"So can you stay until we close our eyes
Til your dreams hold mine
Just stay until we know we tried one more time"
But I didn't ask.
I...didn't...ask...
I knew it wouldn't change things.
I should have asked.
I poured out so much tonight, I feel empty.

I died tonight.
It was no rebound.
It was me, for real.
If it was a rebound, why do I care so much.

"Oh, I could wish all night"

...and I probably will...




Bleeding, for you.

Sagas end. It's just what they do. No reason.
Sure, you coulda done this or that.
But they will end soon enough.
Whether you want them too or not.

Tonight, I poured my soul out.
Tonight, I bled.

Was I ridiculed?
No.
Was I heard?
Yes.
Does she know, did I tell her?
Yes, but it was too late.

Oh yeah, I knew it was coming.
It was coming, so hard so fast, we both knew it.
Hell, it happened, and we ignored it.
I just hoped I would get that last kiss.
I prayed that I could feel her in my arms one...more...time.

I prayed that I could feel a return on the adoration that I poured into it.
I prayed that once again, I could look into her eyes, and see that spark.

The blood is flowing now.
All I can do is watch it, as it trickles down.
All from one wound.

The pain. It feels so good.
I need it.
To feel human.

My soul, spilt for her.
It had no effect.


Bleeding, for you.

In the absence of light, the arms grow fonder of many things.
Like a soft body to hold.
Eyes useless, your senses adjust.
Every noise alerts your mind.
Every smell is recorded, burned to the endless circuits of the mind.
Life outside your reach is meaningless.

But when you do have someone there for you;
A caring soul, comforting and comforted.

"So can you stay until we close our eyes
Til your dreams hold mine
Just stay until we know we tried one more time"

You never want to leave, never want the sky to transform into that beautiful light of day.
The night keeps you safe.
Darkness; it compresses your world.
There is only you and her.
You need nothing else.

"Oh, I could wish all night"

Lyrics © Finger Eleven - "Thousand Mile Wish"

Bleeding, for you.

Burning, melting
The skin parts, making way for the hot steel
The feeling, so real
It worms its way inside

I did it again, I let her walk away
I didn't tell her how I feel
I need to tell her
No more hiding

I can't do it in letters
She needs to look into my eyes and know
That my heart bleeds everytime I watch her leave
She has to see the tears, to know this is real

I look at her, and see the natural beauty she is blessed with.
Inside and out, there is none like her
They all say the same things, but she doesnt want to hear
That she is all they need to live.

The words, she knows that they arent real
They cant mean what they say they feel.
They dont know what goes on inside
The war she fights every day

How am I different? Who am I to her?
No guarantees, the words of life
Only for the best, that's all its for
Scared of nothing, I call her back...



Bleeding, for you.

[Mirrored]
Has anyone ever noticed how lyrics can be interpreted to mean just about everything? I mean look at Evanescence. If you dont understand the Christian connotation, then the lyrics are nothing more than songs about love (or lack thereof) But if you take them into a Christian light, they mean so much more. I wish I could play an instrument, so that I might write music to fit my moods. When you feel so much, words, lyrics just flow freely. Speaking your mind comes so freely, but music doesn't. Maybe you can hear the tune in your head, floating, wrapping itself around your feelings, absorbing them, transforming to fit them. Music is the most complete form of self expression. Doubt me? Check out Samuel Barber's "Adagio for Strings", or Finger Eleven's "Thousand Mile Wish" IM me if you want a listen. These songs truly take you on a trip, through feelings that cannot be expressed. You don't even need to listen to the words, let the voice become its own instrument. What is said makes no difference, the emotion is there. I hope that someday I can let you know how I feel without uttering a word. To pluck a tune from a guitar, slide my fingers over the frets, eyes closed. The tears would form as I expressed my innermost feelings. Open to the world through music: It is my goal.
Bleeding, for you.

[Mirrored]

So I learned quite a few things. I know now that I am nice, nice enough to make people uneasy. I want to come across as a genuine person, one who really cares. What good is that if that overwhelms them?
I don't know what to do.
Bleeding, for you.

He sat there, for hours, just listening to her breathing.
Smooth and steady, it comforted him. Nothing else could do that.
Not at this time in his life. With all of the unsteadyness, and turmoil,
she was his only hope.
She was all that he asked for, nothing he didn't. They fit, like pieces of a puzzle.
He slid his arm around her, pulling her close. Her gentle moans told him that she was sleeping,
and her smile told him that she was happy, content. Caressing her hair, he stared at her.
It never ceased to amaze him. She was there. So beautiful. In his arms. How could he
be so blessed?
Bleeding, for you.

You are my little sex kitten:
You scratch me, then purr for me.
Then you ignore me 'til dinner time.
Bleeding, for you.

I want to make it clear.
This doesn't happen to me.
This is so out of place.
The fact that I haven't collapsed yet surprises me.
Why me?
Can I make the difference that I want to make?
Can she?
To wake, and know that you have something to get up for. Something finally worth my time.
Why did it take so long?
Or did it happen before? Did I let it go?
I don't think so.
This hit like a ton of bricks.
It drove me to do something that I never wanted to do again.
Was it worth it? Worth the aggrivation?
Yes.
More than I can imagine.
Could I go without it?
Not now, not after I have felt it.
Will the feeling fade?
I hope not.
It is my being.

Bleeding, for you.

Breathing; smoothe, calming. Like music to the savage beast.
It takes me in, its rhythm slowing the pace of my heart. Time itself slows for the
beauty that she exhales with every breath. The air, flowing like a river of life.
Brushing aside all the details, it takes control, filling her lungs. Rushing around
inside of her, the wind cleans her soul. Clearing all impurities away, it refreshes her.
She expells the world in every breath. Her soul clean again, she relaxes.

I want to grab my jacket and just leave. There is nothing here for me. I can't breathe; she is my only air. Two weeks! TWO FREAKIN' WEEKS! How is it possible?!? I've gone totally head over heels for her in those two short weeks. Does she really know how far I've fallen? I don't want to overwhelm her; to scare her off. I need her now. I have never done this before. The connection is so strong, so sacred. How?

HOW?!?

Why do I ache for her when she isn't around? Why do I leave her, knowing that I feel that ache? Is it comforting? Do I need the assurance that I am human? Does she keep me here, keep me sane?
She. Her. All of her.
Her body, pressed close to mine on those long nights. Sitting still, not moving. Enjoying the solitude, the purity of that moment. So innocent, so sweet.
Her smell. That sweet aroma, signaling comfort and love. So clean. It follows me. I can smell it when there's no one around. My clothes, bathed in her scent, remind me of those times we spend.
Her hair. Short, beautiful. I lie there, surrounded by it. Wrapped in its safety. Hours spent.
Her touch, so gentle, loving. Connected. I melt in it. Drifting away in the serene bliss of that simple contact. Nothing could tear me away.
Her smile, genuine. Filled with joy. No lies in that smile.
Her eyes, the windows. The look in them as she casts them down in embarrassment. Shows her vanity. That look, it captivates me. It pains me to know that she doesn't see her own beauty. Hiding from something, what is it? Staying in herself, she doesn't yet know the treasure that she holds.
On the outside: Gorgeous.
On the inside: A goddess.
Her mind, so curious, willing to learn. Always wanting more. The quest that is never satisfied.
Her soul, searching for meaning. Never giving in, she will find the truth one day.
Her heart, beautiful. Giving it all. So trusting.
To hurt this beautiful creature would truly be a sin.
Please, God, keep me from hurting her.

No one knows her. She stays shadowed, never brought forth. She shies away from the light, wary of the blinding brightness. Wanting, yearning for that light.
Whispers of 'that girl' float around her head. No one sees her standing there. Will she let the world in? Will the world let her in?
She wants to scream out "HERE I AM", but the fear grips her again. Shaking, she steps back, further into the shadow. The light plays across her eyes; Shining and beautiful, they hold the world. The bad times she needed to share, to lighten the load, they all weigh her down. Faltering, she gasps.
Her eyes fly open, afraid that someone heard, someone may ridicule her pain. They flash over the crowd, wanting someone to see her, but afraid of what they think.
Then she sees him, stepping out of the crowd. Not participating, just watching. His eyes scanning, taking it all in, looking for something worthwhile. His eyes turn, quickly, and find hers, hidden deep in the shadows. Intrigued, he walks over, never breaking contact. She is scared, turning her eyes from his.
He stops in front of her, still in the light. Reaching into the shadows, he raises her chin, staring deep into her eyes, searching. The piercing blue sees all, nothing hidden. Reaching into her soul, he sees her, bare and exposed. She feels ashamed, knowing nothing is safe from his gaze. His expression is stoic, never changing. He sees her potential, deep inside, hidden. Satisfied, he takes her hand, he leads her out of the shadows. Pulling back, she hesitates. She has stayed hidden so long, she won’t fit in. What does he want from her? Humiliaton? Scared, she holds back. He turns, his easy smile assuring her that he was there.
How was she so trusting? Looking into him, she saw herself, mirrored. He knew her now. Squeezing her hand, he walked towards the group. She walked with him, her confidence growing. Easily cutting through the crowd, he led her closer to the center of the mass. Slowing, she noticed the stares. What did they see? Was she sub-par? Her imagination ran wild. Everyone saw a different flaw, peeling her apart. She felt raw, naked.
Then she saw him standing there, patient, loving. She shook her head, looking around. She saw the looks, and they confused her. Pure admiration. She saw them, seeing her as she really was. She turned to look at him, melting in his smile. She was beautiful. She saw that now. Leading her on, they walked out of the room. She had a little bounce in her step, her smile was contagious. He knew her, had known her his whole life, it seemed. He couldn’t help it, he was smitten. The way her eyes showed her emotions, so easily. He knew that he could protect her from harm. He would stay with her, not let her run anymore.
The nights they spent, just being there. He would keep those forever. He had never fallen so hard for someone, never trusted that much. He was aware of the risks, and let them slide. No matter what happened, nothing could ever convince him that it wasn’t worth it. Smiling, he looked into her eyes, no longer shy, and afraid of his. As he leaned down to kiss her, she thanked God that he had walked into her life, and rescued her from the shadows.

Here I am, open exposed. Am I ready for the ridicule, the burn? You bet.