I had a thought the other day.
I have been listening to Eminem a bit lately. He has so much emotion in his lyrics. That is what makes him different. The hate in his words makes me want to feel like he does, the raw emotion.
Feelings rock, yo.
But he also says a lot about how he loves his daughter, Hailey. He says he would do anything to protect her. The way he says this stuff, you know that he lives for one thing; her love.
I was thinking about it this way: If a man could change his life for one thing, would it not be his little girl? Sure a little boy is cool and all, but with a girl, you have this instict to protect her purity, to keep her safe.
I saw a guy in a beat up early 90's Chevy pickup the other day. He was a blue-collar worker type, dirty mechanics shirt, scruffy beard, unkempt hair. But in the passenger seat was his ~10 year old daughter, happy and smiling, tossing a basketball up in the air. I saw as he looked at her, that he loved her. His joy was in hers.
He is my idol now. I don't care if the world has had its kicks with me, I want that happiness. Over and over, as I write this, I see that scene in my head; The broad, proud grin on his face as he laughed with her.
I figure, if the love of a little girl can soften the badass that is Eminem, it's gotta be pretty powerful.
It's been awhile since I remembered what it was to be in love. Oh yeah, it was awesome. Having nary a care in the world when you are together.
I have been spending time with her now. It is different, but the fundamental understanding is still there. That's what matters most. The knowledge that she cares about me, and knows that I care about her.

If there was one thing I could have, it would be that.


You know what I miss most?
The feeling that just touching your arm gave me.
That simple spark that jumps
When I want nothing more than that touch, that’s when I’ll know I am in love.
I remember the times when I could lift your day by sliding my arm around your slender waist and pulling you close to me, protecting you from the world.
There was nothing else that I needed, then.
Now I try to fill my voids with meaningless actions and words.

My goal: You.


"I want to be forty, and still be in love"
How simple it sounds...
Can you imagine being with someone for over 15 years?
Can you imagine knowing everything about them? Knowing every little move, knowing what their sighs mean?
Can you imagine hating yourself for fighting with them?
This person knows every button to push. knows just how to set you off. They can push those buttons at any time.
Can you imagine being so enthralled with every move, every breath, every touch that after that long? Can you imagine waking up every morning, just waiting to look into their eyes, to see that love reciprocated in those soft eyes?
I can. And I want it too.


Isn't it sad.
I can't be normal.
Most people want cars that go fast.
I want a jeep that can take me to my world.
The mountains of Colorado.
The soft babbling brooks, with icy water straight from the glaciers.
The fields of grass, blowing in the wind.
Walking amongst the hills and mountains, I once found my peace.
I hiked paths that the miners once walked.
I felt their spirits there.
Winding between the shattered remains of once strong tools, left to rust in the dry mountain air.
Centuries of greed, left to die.
But now it sits there, for all to see.
So we take on an air of reverace, as we pass by these relics.
My mind stills itself. Thoughts cease as we sit in the silence of this moment, struck by the overwhelming definity of the end.
And we take another step, over the next pass.
We push ourselves to see more.
To know more.
To be more.


And now, I shall post again.

I don't know what I want.
From life, from my friends.
This is really bad.
I don't know what I want, and so nothing really matters to me.
I'm so zoned out from lack of sleep that I can't concentrate for long periods of time, even if something does interest me.
Which doesnt happen.
I want to coast, but I can't get by with that anymore.
Well, I can, which is sad, but I want better than the minimum.
Why? Why am I not ok with the minimum?
I don't know.
Maybe it's my everlasting quest to be different, slightly better than the rest. In something.
In anything.
I wish I had purpose again.
Hell, I don't even know if I want that.
Maybe I don't want anything.