I walk along the road, in the dark. Shadows hide unknown fears, monstrous fears lurking just past the reach of my light. I strain my eyes to make out the road, trying not to stumble.
But the sounds of the night have ceased. The comforting crescendos of the insects gone, only my footsteps can be heard. Their crunch on the gravel pounds and grates on my ears. My heart pounds in my chest, the sound filling me. My breath quickens. Shaking, each drawn breath rattles my frame. My eyes flit back and forth, useless in the black that is the country night. Light is sucked into the void that surrounds me.
Is there anything here besides me?
All of a sudden, I come to recognize the sound of my own feet crunching the gravel beneath me. The sound is strangely comforting. Soon, I hear the rest of the world pick up where it left off. Crickets chirping, the birds calling. The breeze gently rustles through the dry grass, the brittle sounds soothing my ears. I close my eyes, and imagine the world around me. Life continues as it was, and the scare is over.
But I won't forget what it was like to be alone.


This is not my reality. This is the world shaped by people who don't know me.
19 years, they don't know me.
The scary thing is that my plan will make them lose faith in me.
19 years, they don't know me.
It's not that hard to see what I'm talking about.
It's really easy, actually. It's written in everything about me; where I am, how I feel; what I do.
19 years, and they do not know who I am.

Run away? Maybe.
Give up forever? No.

Do I have an answer? No.


-Have you ever dreamt so little, that nothing seems fake anymore?
-Have you ever let that which you hold dear slip, just a bit, so that you cry when you see how far they are?
-Have you ever slid so far from your aim that the circles you make become smaller and smaller, until you are stuck?
Answer me this:
-Have you ever ridden the wave of change so far you lost your roots, becoming so superficially superior that the pounding of your heart echos in the cavern that once held your soul?
-Have you ever tried too hard?
-Have you never tried hard enough?
-Have you ever though that you are actually striving to be that which you hate?
-Have you ever lit yourself on fire?
When was the last time:
-You kept going until you collapsed?
-You hit the wall hard enough to bounce back?
-You felt the ground move beneath your feet?
-You stared into the consuming eyes of failure, the very eyes that trap men's souls, locking their fate to his way, and grinned?
-You read Poe?
-You held someone's hand for their benefit?
-You read the Bible?
Is living not:
-Smiling at the people as they pass you?
-Speaking out in class?
-Saluting the Flag?
-Having your eyes well up when you think of a life without the one you love?
-Watching lightning crash all around you, feeling no fear, smelling the air that burns with energy?
-Losing yourself for hours?
-Driving for the sake of leaving home?
Are you scared to:
-Look someone in the eye?
-Admit your wrongs?
-Laugh at stupid people?
- to their face?
-Let your guard down?
-Talk about your feelings to the person who sparks them?
-Shake a homeless Vet's hand?
-Sing and Dance to the laughter of your friends?
Will you ever:
-Jump out of a perfectly good airplane?
-Risk your life for a cheap thrill?
-Eat at the rundown hole-in-the-wall place down the street, and order the special?
-Not say anything, because you know it would ruin the moment?
-Decide not to regret anything you've done?
-Forgive those who won't forgive you?
-Quit relying on life to provide you with the thrills you desire, and go get them yourself?
-Spend a day at work planning your future?
-Rely solely on what your heart tells you, and throw caution to the wind?
-Blatantly not care?
- and mean it in your heart?
-Sit and watch a campfire until the flames are long gone, the wood now clumps of red energy, basking in it's warmth on a summer night, as you reflect on nothing and everything at the same time?
-Not question whether you are in love?
-Take these words to heart?


Feelings flowing constantly. It's life. Sometimes, when we try to stem that flow, stop the pain that accompanies these feelings, we damage ourselves. We try to make ourselves numb. We try to burn ourselves out, sear the nerves so that we feel nothing. All that does is hurt us more. We become raw, open wounds, even more susceptable to the pain that attacks from all sides. We hurt, because we don't want to anymore.
- - -
I wanted to stop. I wanted time to myself. I had to let myself go, or so I thought. But in that search for myself, amongst that sea of a summer, I found an anchor. I found someone to bring me around, a reason to be the better person. And that anchor now has led me to search for who I need to be. I now am more unsure of my future than ever before, but I'm not scared for it. I know it will be something great. I just need to find out what it will be. But I have reason now. Reason to look for it. And I thank God every night for what he has blessed me with.