Note: This isn't based on anyone. It's just a thought, from a dream.

He knew her from the beginning, and this was not her.
She was pure, whole. She was good.
When had she decided to take this road? He still loved her, but she wasn't the girl he had fallen for those years ago. She had started slowly, going to parties, but never drinking, never staying over. She knew the rules, and never crossed them.
But now, what? He shook his head, tears streaming down his face. All of this time he was striving to be good enough for her, to be worthy of the type of girl he thought she was.
But she wasn't that girl anymore.
His world in shambles, he took to the road. Feet pounding over the hard pavement, he made himself king of the asphalt. Every step brought him closer to focus. His legs were on automatic, his mind on overdrive. He wasn't running from his problems, he knew that they wouldn't go anywhere. They followed him.
So he ran.
It cleared his mind. He processed thoughts at speeds unthinkable. Flying through scenarios, he saw the future in glimpses, the past for what seemed like hours. When he finished his run, he knew that he would be okay. At least for a while. Then the sudden tiredness would hit him, and he would collapse onto his bed, into a fitful sleep.
He had helped her to see where she had drifted to. She had cried with him, promising to change. Begging him for help. It took all he had to promise to help her.
He knew he would, but at that second, that moment in time, all he wanted to do was forget it. Let it all go. Forget her, forget his life, and start over. Wouldn't that be easier than helping her heal the wound in his heart?
But he couldn't forget her. His life, that was not a big deal, compared to where she stood. She was his goal, taking all of his focus. Everything he did, he did it to make sure that he was worthy of her. And now...

He picked her up that night. On the way to Church, they cried again. Afterwards, they sat in the car, in the parking lot and he held her as she cried her sins out. He knew it would be okay. He even felt as if it were all better now. But he knew that he couldn't let her go again.
Not if he wanted her to be worthy of him...


I only wanted to be the one who you said was your friend.
I only wanted to be the one who would be there til the end.
I never meant to be the one who coldly broke your heart.
I wish I had had the guts to tell you all this from the start.

Living, dying
Breathing, sighing
loving, hating
taking, giving

Skin deep, it burns.
Local pride, nothing permanent.
Never looking down, afraid to drop the crown.
The crown given to her by the ones she is now stepping on.
Pride too much, nose to high.
She keeps herself wrapped in this lie.

She wants to escape, to make it on her own.
But won't get off of her Magesty's Throne.
This town, she feels, has held her here.
She's down, she feels, and here comes the tear.

Life is fluid, passing her by;
While all she does is sit and cry.
Not an ounce of truth within her soul
She's put herself inside this hole.

She sits outside the diner where she works, waiting for her
ride. Friendly waves and familiar nods breaking her heart.
She had lived her life to escape, how had she become stuck

She looks through the rear window of the truck, at her
past. She had come to think that success was easy. Now, 5
years later, she knew that it wasn't. Struggling to pay the
rent, feed herself and her cat.

Exiting the cab, she thanked her neighbor, gave him a peck
on the cheek, and strolled up to her apartment. She shut
the door. As always, she glanced at the noose she had
prepared about a year ago.

She was desparate then. No longer haughty and full of
herself, she had given up. Now, too chicken to climb back
up to that chair and untie it, it hung as a reminder of her

Was she too weak to make it? Had she really been lied to
that much? Did they... she stopped, shaking her head. Not
tonight, she thought. Not again. It began to hurt her too
much now.

She cooked herself dinner, subdued. The haunting ghosts
stood silent on the shelves. Ribbons. Trophies. Plaques.
All from her past. She wanted to rid herself from them, but
then who would she be? She would be nothing without her
past, she knew that. But why was it so hard to start over?
Tucking herself beneath the covers of her enormously empty
bed, she shivered. Her lonliness crept into her eyes, and
for another night, she cried herself to sleep.


Shadows reaching, arms are stretching, they beg to hold you tight.
Evil tricks the mind is playing, on a walk into the dark of night.
Quickened pace, heart is pounding, a life devoid of light
Heedless of the shouted warnings, he tries to set things right.

Heavy heart and dampened eyes, he wanders through the wood.
Royal jesters and mocking cries, a dark stranger with black hood.
Aimless actions, doing nothing, not knowing what he should,
His childhood days are over, the days of endless good.

Sliding deeper, reaching out, no one hears his cries.
Life is ending, plunge to darkness, smothered under lies.
Darkness coming, light escaping, no goodness meets his eyes,
Suddenly, a glint of hope, an eagle on the rise.

Clawing quickly from the ground, his face as white as chalk.
Help is coming, one at a time, but soon they make a flock.
Time is losing, no more strength, they fly against the clock,
Fighting for history, their world no longer in shell shock.
She wanted to, she needed to, but she couldn't.
She wanted somebody to love, someone she could talk to, to hold her at every moment of insecurity. Someone to wipe away the tears that would well up at the corner of her eyes, someone to tell her everything would work out right.
She was afraid to reach out, afraid to connect like that. She hadn't been scarred, no wounds from past loves. She had heard the stories. She knew that she could be burned, knew that her heart might shatter at the sound of a good-bye.
But still, she wanted it. To feel that vulnerability, to let down her shield. She wanted to be able to tell someone that she liked everything about them, their speech, the way they fixed her problems, and not be ashamed.
She had had boyfriends before, but that's all they were. Boy friends. Not companions. Not mature enough to let down their own guards and sacrifice their own ego for hers. She wanted someone who cared.


Cold, dead, withered.
Life has left her eyes.
Subordinate to no one, she lives the life she chose.
Why is she here? Who knows.
Suffering to make her stronger, or break her.
Cutting off her soul, piloting the ship of her own destruction, her friends are only allowed to watch.
They get to watch her slip down by herself.
They once offered ropes and hands, but now they see that they aren't wanted. No, they won't turn their backs on her, they will stand there, ready to jump in and save her, if she would only ask.

Clouds, once her friend, blot out the sun again. The rain soaks her skin, sending chills down to her soul. Does the misery stir up her soul, waking her from this hell?
No. She knew this is where she would be. It's where she wanted to be, all her life. She doesn't like it here, but it's home. What hath she brought down? Nothing, it was already here.

There are those who make the most of every day, those who sit and complain about it all. She ignores it all. She is numb, novacaine of the soul. Deep, she pushed the needle into her heart, freezing it in her chest, never to be thawed.

Still they watch, waiting for the word. Patiently, they never lose faith in her, even when she has committed herself to this hell.
She is no shell. She is full, full of what God gave her, but without a guiding force, it seems that all is lost.

They shift their wieght, watching her, wating for her, loving her, saddened by her self molded helplessness.
They stand there now, strong as ever, ready to bring her back to her real home, where she belongs.


Despair. Terror rising in you, nothing slowing it.
Trapped in this hellhole. The feeling of helplessness as you feel rather than hear your doom coming at you.
The evil, somehow making the blackness darker, creeps at you.
It doesn’t make a sound.
It doesn’t slither, doesn’t hiss. It’s not slimy, doesn’t crawl.
It just is. Huge and menacing, it follows you through the forbidding halls. The hellish blackness coming at you to engulf you. It isn’t a ghost. It isn’t alive. It isn’t dead. It isn’t your friend.
It does not hate you, it does not love you. It does not want you.
It needs you.
As you slide against the wall of the tunnel, sobbing in fear, it closes in. To swallow you.
Right before the gaping maw of darkness swallows you, you open your mouth and scream.


I can't say I'm extremely happy with things right now.
I just realized that my parents are getting old. My Mom's side of the family wasn't known for longevity, and I don't know much about my Dad's side. I know his Dad died fairly young. His Mom is still alive though.
But I was wondering what I would do if I lost them.
I'm not one for mourning, so that wouldn't do much for me. I would probably just keep going and doing whatever I was already doing.

Is that normal?


I can't stand people who say they won't believe in something because
they weren't raised to believe in it.
Well, most people also weren't raised to smoke, or drink all weekend,
yet it still gets done. Life goes both ways.
That is what is totally awesome about being and adult, you can make your
own decisions. Faith should be one of those. I may be steadfast
in my faith, but I know why. It's not just because I was raised that
way. It's because I wanted more, and went looking for it. I found it.
Some people wonder why their life is so empty, but as soon as you
mention Church, they get cold. Sure, it may not be what you have known
your whole life, but you can't keep having the same experiences all of
your life. Go for a change. At least try it. Try something.