When you run in a storm, you become the storm.
The thunder that crashes overhead is your heart, beating, pounding inside your chest. Its strength propels you forward.
The lightning courses through your legs, scorching the ground. Its sheer energy drives you to higher speeds.
You have conquered the path. The smoldering earth behind you hisses loudly in the rain as you press on.
And when you finish, when you slow to a walk, you look behind you, and smile. You are worn, drained, but complete.


Have you ever looked into someone's eyes, only to see the light gone?
When the pain overcomes the will, the soul flees. Its sanctuary shattered, it escapes to a better place.
I was heartbroken to see her there, eyes numbly searching the wallpaper for sights unknown, feeble smiles a weak jesture of strength, hollow.
But then you came back. Instantly, your inner strength returned, as did the light in your eyes that I have fallen so hard for. Sunlight streamed into the room, at that dark hour of the night, and your face beamed.
It was then that I knew you'd be okay. When your smile actually moved your cheeks, and your mind clicked back on, I smiled inside.


My world, by Chris Ness.
The world I write in is very clear to me. It is, for most, a drab world. Things are only as colorful as the viewer allows them to be. It is a flat world, with cracked earth. The physical world can be transposed for familiarity, but it is only metaphorical.
Many of the people there suffer. They sit in holes, pounded by the rain that cascades from the clouds of their past. They writhe in the mud, pain wracking their very frames, crying out "Someone, please! Anyone!" But their cries go ignored. They are hollow beings. They only know their past, and refuse to see their future, no matter how bright it may be. They are forever trapped in their pain. Others sit and cry quietly, on the curbs of their streets. They are passed by friends who often try to lend a hand, but are refused. They want nothing but perfection, and are saddened by the lack of it. These kinds of people live in a dark world. One with few lights that break the clouds. The grey monotony smothers them, and the clouds above trample their spirits. When one is saved, the clouds part and a ray of light shines upon them. Their world transforms to one of bliss. The ground is no longer a grey desert, but a lush oasis. They are now better people. They no longer linger in the dark past, dwelling in 'should-haves' and the like. Their thoughts, and eyes are on the future. There are more than three dimensions here. Time is traveled through thoughts and dreams. You can pass among the levels, the world of the happy and the world of the sad co-exist in the same physical place, but they rarely, if ever, interact. It is as if one world cannot see the other.
To pass from the grey world to the other world, it usually takes a friend, or an Angel of God. They must restore you according to your needs. If you are friendless, they will be your friend; if you are scared, they will be your strength. These blessed souls are the ones who work tirelessly to save as many as possible. Trust is necessary to escape this world. If you do not trust the one who comes, then you shall never leave.
Passing to the grey world, however, is another story. It is usually marked as depression. Your eyes fade, the once present inner light now gone. You become stiff and cold to the world around you. You are a zombie on the outside, displaying nothing. But on the inside, your soul is pounded, soaked with a salty tear rain. It lays in the mud, broken.
Once you pass from the grey world to the other world, your spirit awakens. If you pass from the other world to the grey world, your spirit is slowly beaten into submission, and hidden. Once you pass from the grey world to the other world and back, however, you spirit is shattered. You have relapsed. Hope is
gone. Chances are your friends have given up on you, and resigned themselves to watching you slip down the hole of oblivion. Described as a spiral, it is nigh unbreakable. Once you return to the grey world you once escaped, you can never fully return to the other world, no matter how hard you try. You need the misery, and ache without it.
When I write about friends looking down to help, it's not a matter of them standing and you laying down. You are in a hole, the pit of your despair, and they stand on the rim, outlined by lightning, as the rain turns the dust into mud. Mud too slippery to dig into. You struggle, trying to free yourself, too proud to ask for help. They are saddened by you, but their tears are indistinguishable from the rain that runs down their faces. They tower over you, seemingly as enemies, but in truth, it is their lack of pain you hate. There are times that you wish you could just pull them down with you, cover them in the same lies that you have buried yourself with.
Rivers are your life. The current is time, and rapids are trials. To drown is to neglect that which makes you human. You forget to breathe, to love, to live.
Death is not death in the physical sense, but the emotional/spiritual sense. It is always the soul that is dying. Once that dies, you are part of the hollow world. "smiles plastered on sickeningly" is the key term. It is a false land, but also a true land. They aren't really happy, of course, but they feel no pain. Their souls are dead, and the remnant shells live on, to carry out their 'duties'.
I can place everyone I know in this world. All those whom I care enough about to study closely, so that I can pick up aspects that help in placement. And I can track where you have been in the past. Every thing you do is recorded to place you where you fit best. When you tell me about your past, I listen, when I hear about your new boyfriend, I listen. Every adjective carefully examined in the blink of an eye, and added to the "Definition of You".
Remember, I know you well. Better than you think. And I care about you. If I care enough to give you a home here, I will always be one of those standing by to help you, whether as an angel, or a friend.
Daily, there was the pain.
Nightly, there was the agony.
Hourly, there was nothing to stop it.
By the minute, it throbbed.
Every second, reminded of the past.

Inescapable, it lingered. Running didn't help. Sure, he got away from it for a while, but he always tired out, and when it caught up, it smothered him. It pounded his heart, pummeled his soul, and wrenched his very being.

So he trudged through life, staring at his feet, afraid to look them in the eyes, for they could see his dark past in them, the pain searing him, all there. He wanted to find someone who could look past that, and see that he was different now. The ages of pain had shaped him. But he refused to look up.

The darkness of his world was shattered one day. She was like a Goddess to him. Flawless beauty compounded by her warm, accepting heart. She helped him to see the beauty in himself. The long hours they spent talking, discussing, he would never forget those.

Then one morning he woke up happy. The clouds were gone. He could walk with his head held high. Rushing to find her, he couldn't help but feel the joy in his heart. It leapt with every thought of his life.

But she was nowhere to be found. Frantically, he called her name, ignoring the looks from passersby. Tears rolled down his face as he ran through his world, seeking the only one he could talk to.

Then it hit him. She was an angel, sent from God himself. She had helped him to see the beauty in himself, and to tell him that God had forgiven his sins. She had made him a new person.

Tears still in his eyes, he took off down the path of his life again. There was a notable spring in his step as he nodded to those around him.
Never again would he give up, and never would he dig himself in so deep.


To stare into those eyes, to see the smile inside.
I long to hold you now.
For as long as I am away from you, I feel like I am missing something.
The touch, electric and unique to you, it satisfies my heart.

I missed you before I knew you existed,
and now I see the truth.
God has put you here for me,
and I am here for you.

Together we walk, destination unknown.
But ain't that half the fun?
The Good Book tucked under my arm,
We walk on the path with the Son.

To be there now, to hold you dear
to take that pain that wracks your frame
It is all I wish

this is about as coherent as my thoughts about her get
As I sit here, watching you,
I feel a peace inside.
Like seeing my favorite flower bloom,
I think of the tears I've cried.

Tears of sorrow, joy and pain,
Streaming from my face.
Like a salty, bitter rain,
or soft buttons made of lace.

Those tears are gone now,
The pain no longer mine.
I sit amazed, at you and how
these things pass with time.


The waves, crashing over the sand, washing the small sea life back and forth.
The gentle surf lapping against my legs, relaxing me.
The soft crashes as the breaking action nudges more water around me, urging me to float off with it.
The cries of the gulls, the clouds drifting overhead; All are part of this meditation.
Within myself, I find peace.
Wading out, deep into the waves, I feel them break against my knees, then my waist, then my chest. I fight to stand upright. Leaning into the powerful blasts, I fold into myself.
When I return from my exercises, I am whole.


Enveloped in those arms she felt comfort.
The saftey wrapping around her, holding her tight.
She was at home there, in his arms.
The silent stillness of the night allowing reflection,
The everlasting moments, over in a heartbeat.
The touch, lingering long after the contact.
It was there that time froze, and still wasn't long enough.
It was there the world watched, but not enough people know how I feel.
It was there that I was truly at peace, but now all I have is memories..
..and a promise.
Oh, that I could be there. To hold her hand, to distract from the pain.
That I could steal the darkness from that room, and toss it away.
That I could create such a smile on that a sad face.
The feelings there, in short stolen glances.
The power behind a wink, never so obvious.
The strength of a lightened heart,
The warmth behind the smile that is no longer forced.
The laugh that warms two hearts,
The glint that lights four eyes.
I saw it all.


Fretting, deep inside.
The pain surrounds me, a wave of helplessness crashing down on my head.
There is nothing I can do to stop this.
There is nothing I can do to help.

I can only imagine the pain, felt by her in that sterile room.
Unfamiliar and cold, it causes her to shiver.
Even the bright flowers don't help.
The sun itself is sucked into the white darkness of the room.

I can only imagine what I'm going to say when I get there.


Lonesome, cold.
Sitting in that sterile bed, in that sterile room.
Eerie sounds echo down the hall.
Are they footsteps? Are they your imagination?
Curling up closer to the pillows, you slide the sheet tighter as you close your eyes and pray for rest to come.
But the pain will not leave.
Unblinking, your eyes stare into the darkness.
Looking for something, anything.
All the night you spend like this, afraid, insomniatic.
As the dawn creeps over you, the world stirs again, and still you stare. Eyes locked on the edge of the bed, your world is frozen.

. . .
no end


Dictionary of Rejection
 Ache, agony, anger, apathy,
 Bear, bleeding, broken,
 Clutching, crushed, crying,
 Dead, despair, distress,
 Empty, engulfed,
 Forgotten, friendless,
 Gone, grapple,
 Heartless,helpless, how, hurt,
 Ignored, inevitable, inferno,
 Jugular, jaded,
 Lonely, lost,
 Maimed, meaningless, misery, momentary,
 Nerves, nothing, null,
 Open, offset,
 Pain, precious no more,
 Regret, rejection, re-opened,
 Selfish, solitary, stomped, stolen, suffering,
 Test, throbbing, tired, torment, torn, torture, trampled, tread upon, twinge,
 Utter emptiness,
 Vying for attention,
 Why, withstand,

with assistance by Beau


A walk in the dark.
To wander down the middle of the street, just to be there.
To ponder the meaning of nothing, just to see her there.
To lay down on the warm concrete, to lay your soul bare.
To sit and talk about nothing is truly the blessing of a friendship.
Nothing standing in the way, no walls to overcome.

Thank you, I had a blast.
Deep bruises, black and blue.
Soul stolen, trampled.
Theft of person, theft of life.
Heart shattered, pain scorned.
Nothing sacred, nothing mourned.
Cries are smothered, help denied.
Above it all, she knew he lied.
He wasn't there for her.
He hadn't reached out and saved her.
He was gone from her, like he said he never would be.
He had left her when she needed him,
Walked right out when she cried to him.
Ignored, she had wandered off her path.
The theives awaited.
They had taken her, beaten her.
Her purity gone, smashed on the dirty ground next to her.
And he wasn't there.
Left behind, the pain dulled to a constant ache in her heart.
An ache for the one she had so desperately loved.
His promises shattered, his love distracted.
Now she laid there, by the path, scorned by those who walked it.
She was no longer them, and they were no longer her.
Laying there, in the mud mingled with her blood, she cried.
He would never know what he had left.
As she lay dying there, a forgotten afterthought, the world kept turning.
She had one shot at it, and missed. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.


A late 4th of July post.

The soft ground embraced him as hey lay down.
He was tired. All of the work he had done, all of the struggles he had pushed through to get here, they ran back through his mind.
Sighing, he rolled over to face the blue sky.
Oblivious to the macabre scene wrapping itself around him, he stares at the clouds as they float scerenely, ironically, overhead. The pain subsided as he thought of his child at home. Would he understand? Would he grow up strong?
His thoughts slowed, as did his heart. He was calm now.
His wound burned now, but the pain wasn't felt. He was dying, out here, for his country.
Eyes rolled back, glazed, he passed away.
- - -
Hours later, the battle ended, the ground red and black with blood and soot, they set out to claim their dead.
Each man was searched, tags and personal inventoried, and returned to the body. Then they were zipped into bags, and shipped off, to be replaced with fresh, live bodies.
Their deaths were not forgotten, nor were they marked and celebrated every year as the heroes they were.
Families, broken apart, left them behind in search of happier times.
+ + +
But their efforts were not in vain. Without men like these, we could not have what we have today.
Load shifted,
Heavy screams;
Stifled Life,
Shattered dreams.

Averted eyes,
Falling tears;
Stricken down,
Murderous years.

Bloodstained heart,
broken spirit;
She keeps to herself,
so the others can't hear it.

Crying softly, inside herself,
She finds no solace there.
The only way to cure this pain
is to lay her soul down, bare.

So hard a task, so deep the cuts,
She cannot do it alone,
Her knuckles raw from self release,
She lets out a mournful moan.

Down comes her guard, she stands naked.
She puts her trust in Him.
She only prays, that he'll still be there,
and his presence not a whim.

He is her hope, she needs His strength.
His guiding presence divine.
Their loving, trusting friendship growing,
Like fruit upon a vine.

The end still distant, pain still reminiscent,
They struggle through this land,
Stumbling, staggering, never falling,
She tightly grips his hand.

Comfort coming, slowly surely,
Still weak from being bled.
But as they are now, with two as one,
They forge on ahead.


Sure, it ended happy, at least at this point. But it wasn't always so great. The dark, shadowed past was gone, but not forgotten. Never haunting, it served them as a reminder of the greatness of what they now possessed.
+ + +
She had been alone, utterly alone. She had friends, but they were kept a safe distance. She couldn't open up to them. They wouldn't know how to react. They could never see the true her. She sat in herself, head bowed low to the ground. It was better that way. That way she wouldn't have to look into someone's eyes, eyes blind to the pain that filled hers. She saw all of the people around, and envied them in their emptiness. Alone and friendless in this huge world, her tears began to fall.
- - -
His eyes weren't blind. They saw everything, took it all in. But there was no longer anything to see. Not in this world. He was searching. Scanning the masses for a stand-out soul. One that he could could be with, that would see what was in his eyes, as he read theirs. All around, he saw people with their eyes blank, hollow, like corpses. Not feeling, not caring, they milled around with their smiles plastered on sickeningly. This wasn't for him. He released his sorrow in a mighty roar, pouring his entire being into the call for help. He hoped, prayed that he would not be alone forever.
His cry of anguish echoed unheard among the empty souls.
- - -
She had tried before, to seek someone who would love her, no matter what. All had failed. What was she looking for anyways? Now, she was resigned to the life she was assigned, sure that she could never change it. The tears fell again as she remembered all of the agony of her looming past. Those monsters circled her now, prodding her with their spears of anguish. She kept her sobs quiet, afraid to alert anyone to the pain that she now suffered, but inside she screamed. Screamed with all of what she had, the pain threatening to burst out of her, shatter her frail being into a million pieces to be trod upon by the heartless beings that wandered aimlessly around her. A cry reached her ears, filling her heart with the powerful anguish that had caused its release, and then it was gone again, as she turned back into herself, and shrieked within, filling her mind with the shrill anguish of her life.
- - -
He felt. Something, anything. It was different, alien in this place of despair. It was there, he knew it. Where? His eyes danced over the empty-hearted masses, flicking from face to face. Seeing only the same blank masks, he unwillingly stilled his heart. He was sure of it. It had to have been. A feeling.
It came again, the force of it sending him reeling. For an instant, he felt the pain, the pure, unadulterated agony that sent all hope fleeing from his heart. It was as if his very blood was iced. Tears sprung to his eyes as her feelings ran through him. There were the sharp jabs of pain in him as he knew her pain.
Then it was gone
He stood there, wiping his eyes. She was there. Another human. Another soul, crying out.
He took off, sprinting through the people. They parted easily in front of him, empty headed and hollow, like the shells of people that had died before their time. He knew not where he ran, but he ran anyway. A feeling that strong meant only one thing: A place to belong, a partner in this cold world of disturbing ignorance.
- - -
She was curled up now, in the mud that sprayed from the feet of her monsters as they lept in to jab at her. Cold and sobbing, she tried shut herself off from this hell. But she couldn't. It was all she knew now. There were no warm thoughts inside of her. She felt her humanity slipping, down the spiraling slide of depression. Her fingers clawed at the earth, trying to stop herself. She stared up, searching for her friends. But they stood like the rest of them, cold and unknowing of life. She knew, deep down, that there was some good here, but where?
- - -
Then he saw her. The source of the chills in his spine. The life that had kept him awake these past nights, kept him searching. He saw the blackness surrounding her, as she lay on the ground, shuddering in the cold rain, sobbing in her agony. He was taken back. The horror of this place was worse than he had ever experienced. The darkness, so huge and empty, yet so claustrophobic, smothering any happiness that was there.
Bracing himself, he stepped into the heart of it.
- - -
Then, suddenly, there was a hand on her wrist, pulling her back, helping her up, holding her steady as she rose from the cold ground that she had known so long as home. She looked up, into his eyes, shocked. There was not ridicule in them. She could feel him inside of her, reading the past that was burnt onto her heart, and she was ashamed. But the look in his eyes kept her from turning. He looked at her, and saw something in her, she knew it. He had found something that he had been searching for. She watched as tears gathered in the corners of his eyes. - - -
He looked at her. She was dirty, shivering, but beautiful. Her soul shone through to him, radiating like a million suns. There was so much emotion here. So much pain, so much life. His heart lept inside his chest as he saw her. He was stunned. She was beautiful as he saw her now, laid bare to his eyes. He knew that this was someone he would hold dear for eons to come. Reaching out, he gently wiped her cheek clean, and offered his hand.
- - -
She shrank back at the contact, the warm, loving touch. It was so alien to her in this place. Bracing herself, she reached to accept the hand, knowing what it would do if he ever let go of her.
Suddenly, brightness flashed, and her world was happy again. The gloomy clouds that had kept her down so long were chased out by the sunshine in their hearts. She trusted him, and knew that he trusted her. There was a bond between them, and she knew that he would not leave her as the others had.
+ + +
Slowly, she had pushed those memories from her thoughts. She never forgot what she had known, the suffering that followed her to her bed every night, as she sat in the smothering darkness and cried rivers of sorrow into her pillow. The anguish of having a life torn from her grasp and thrown into the dirt along with her. But they had each other now. Their bond had grown stronger over the years, and now was unbreakable. She now had a shoulder to cry on. The past had streamed from her mouth like the rushing flow of a broken dam. Torn hearts, splintered souls, shattered trust, they had all been thrust into his memory. And he treasured every story, every word she said, knowing that it brought them closer. Knowing that he could keep her from ever having to do that again.
He looked over at her and smiled. She was skipping alongside him as they progressed down their path. The sun that never set sat high in the sky, and they basked in it's great warmth as they continued, together. He laughed as she took his hand in hers. Never would they let go, and never would they doubt the bond of love that kept them whole.
Fireworks explode in her eyes, the pain shuddering her soul.
No physical wounds this time, they are all hidden within her.
She can't ask them to stop, they just won't. They do not understand what they do to her. They can't.
How many more times can she absorb these blows.
The blows that send her reeling backwards, into the desert of lonliness.
She feels she belongs there sometimes, alone. She doesn't need anyone else. She doesn't trust anyone else. She can't trust anyone else. The love that she has inside, she cannot share. Who would understand? Who?
This was the question that she asked every night, in her prayers. She prayed for a friend to come, one that she could trust, one that would help her, be there for her. One that would listen as she weeped unabashedly, spilling herself in front of him.
But he never came.
She sits alone in a desert of her soul. The cracked earth below symbolizing her cheer, now gone, evaporated into millions of pieces, no longer salvagable.
She shrinks back again, at the sight of another. How had he come to this place? Was it one of them, come to ridicule?
But this man was a stranger, tall. He held the world in his eyes, eyes that could pierce though yours, and read your mind. But they were not hard, nor was his smile. It was easy, and laughing. As he came towards her, she noticed a change. It was slight, perhaps just a thought, passing her by. The she refocused her attention on the stranger, walking steadily and purposefully towards her. She cast her eyes down, panicked. Was this another, one that woud hurt her? Then he stood in front of her and she looked up. Surprised she glanced around. The desert was now lush with vegitation. A brook babbled behind her somewhere. This is where she belonged.
But she could not trust him. She could not trust anyone. She shook her head, and stepped back.
- - -
He lowered his hand, saddened. It was not that he hadn't tried. He could see what she needed, just as she could see it herself, but he was not one to force it on her. Besides, friendship cannot be forced. He turned from her, and walked back the way he came.
- - -
She saw the look in his eyes, as she turned him away. It wasn't a pain. It was a saddened look. He was sad for her. He was sad for her? She ran the thoughts over in her head, brain clouded with the past pain that had sent her here, but the image that she held of him was clear. Was this a sign?
Shuddering, she was torn from her thoughts, to see herself alone in the desert again. As he retreated, the life of her oasis went with him. For every step he took, the lush vegitation around her shrivled a little bit more.
As she saw herself wrapped in misery again, she began to cry. What was it that she really needed? For so long she had looked for people, always seeking. But now, she saw that someone had found her. She hoped that he would understand, as she took the first step towards him, towards salvation.


Life, it drains me.
The force of it rushing by, me trying to enjoy, slow down, savor.
It drags me along the bottom, as if I were in a river, trying to fight the current.
This is what I want, to just let it take me, but I can't let it rush me downstream.
I drag my feet, trying to slow down, but the current pulls me, harder, harder. I try one last time to dig in, but the water is deeper now, and closes over my head.
Gasping for air, I come up.
The current is faster now.
Scared of what I've done, I look around, desperately, for someone on the shores, watching me.
No one stands there.
Stunned, I float as I hear the water around me, rushing like a mass of angry bees.
Up ahead, I know it's coming, and there's no stopping it.
Resigned, I relax, and except what I have done.
The plunge slows down, I can see the water droplets around me, rushing to their doom below, a watery grave next to my own.
I can see watch the sun, shimmery through the mist that clouds my vision. In this peaceful moment, I think back, and would change nothing. I see all of my friend's faces, floating, bobbing, weaving, as if part of a puppet show; Smiling, laughing, frowning, crying. My whole life, before my eyes.
Not flashing, playing through. I watch myself fall off my bike, my dad already by my side. Fast-forward, I watch myself create love out of heartbreak, and feel my heart broken. Tears well up as I see the one I love, crushed out of my life by my decision.
Then, the sun goes out as I plunge towards my final home.
No pain, just sorrow. As the blood comes to a rest in my veins, slowly cooling, no longer necessary, I lay still. I am alone now. As it should be.